If your wife has more income, if she has full blown MLC will they hit Rock Bottom?

When our divorce is final obviously with her high salary she wouldn't worry about anything that is regarding the financial aspec of her life. And at this point she will eventually be with the OM, will she experience guilt and remorse?

Will the sun come up tomorrow? Probably, but do we worry about that today?

It isnt just women it is any person in MLC. MLC does not discriminate, and it seems to follow the same pattern be it man or woman.

Will she feel guilty at some point? I would love for that to be so, I would love for that to be anyone in MLC that eventually they would understand what they have done to their left behind families and come to the point where they realize what they did was wrong on so many levels.

But you know, we have no control over them, so we cannot focus on that. We have to be fearless in understanding what goes round does come round......we get what we give.........and it is not for us to be worried about..........What we need to do is figure out how to put our lives back together, how to heal our hearts and souls, and how to be the best person we can be, learning from our own mistakes and the challenges put upon us.

We have to work darn hard to change our focus from them to us........this is how we get our way through............find you Ecarmelo and let the rest fall where it may.

Slurpins and Hope,

FF

Such good advise. The focus must be on us the left behind. I think they do in many ways feel guilt. Why would my XH cry all the time he see's me or the dogs? Why when he left did he spend an hour on the phone with my friend crying??? Hard to say, but I do think they feel the pain to some degree that they have caused but are in too much of fog to know how to get out of it.

El, as I've been on 4060, I've noticed that there are definitely phases in dealing with our spouses. The first stage is to really try to figure them out. For so long in a M, we've worked at trying to understand our S. We know that if we can understand them, we can find a way through our differences. This is a very healthy part of a healthy M. Somehow we believe that if we understand them, we can fix these problems, or at the very least understand them.

What came as a revelation to me, is that my H was no longer the person I married. Whenever OP enters the relationship, the one who has left has demonstrated a fundamental change in who they are!!!! They are no longer the same person. That person you married is no more. The person in his/her body is a stranger. You cannot, nor will ever be able to figure this person out.

Although trying to figure it out is a phase, it is best not to stay in this phase too long. The sooner you can change your focus, count your W as an alien in your W's body, the more quickly you will be able to face the realities of what must be done to protect yourself, and save the person who is sane, reasonable, loving, caring and responsible.................you.

Winning

Well said Winning. It's a phase, it's a part of the process and eventually, hopefully, you have enough information to satisfy your needs and you will move onto the next phase.

To answer your questions EC....she might, she probably will but more than likely you will never know about it if she does...or does not. And I don't think having money plays a big role in it. You can't pay guilt to go away. From the outsiders view, it may seem like they're doing fine with all those tropical vacations and new toys, but guilt is a bit like honor...it either IS or it ISN'T. You can't buy it and you can't sell it.

Thanks for all the advise... I ask the question because I trying to see if there is a pattern in those other post about others that eventually moved on vs. the ones that had reconcillation with their spouse.

I understnd WHY you're doing this; I did it myself while married to a MLCer. And, I worked in a profession where finding the patterns and systems theory was your compass. And I will tell you this...you will drive yourself mad going down this path. If you had knowledge of everyone's past, everyone's coping skills, everyone's predominant thinking patterns, everyone's familial patterns, relationship dynamics, genetics, hormone levels...and just for good measure, the model of car they drive and the dish soap they use.....you'd STILL not have a clear pattern or precise way of ensuring "those will move on vs. those who've reconciled".

Some move on alone.
Some don't move on but are alone.
Some move on, the MLCer returns and through much effort, it becomes a healthy, positive marriage.
Some move on, the MLCer returns and through much effort, it is not a healthy, positive marriage.
Some don't move on, they wait, the MLCer returns and they're both miserable for the rest of their days.
And any other variation....

Right now, your best bet is to focus on what you need to get your feet under you, protect yourself, and stay as healthy as possible in mind, body, and spirit.

WHOOO boy...isn't THAT the truth???

It certainly is.... people have as many different perspectives on their lives and why they do things, what the reward is, as there are people.

In your particular case, however, I seriously doubt that your W will ever regret this. Because, this behaviour on her part is nothing new.... her basic premise that she is the most important person on earth has remained unchanged....therefore, she has found adequate justification for her actions.....

If you look back upon it, her life with you has been a steady escalation of selfish behaviour and lack of respect for you which has culminated in the current situation.

The MLCer will likely have guilt in both cases, but I don't believe that it makes much if any difference. Certainly those who try to reconcile had better have a healthy dose of guilt in order to be truly sorry for their actions (since statistically the phrase "once a cheat, always a cheat" is valid most of the time), but guilt does NOT ensure change nor reconciliation.

Many MLCers that never reconcile also have plenty of guilt, but they need BOTH the desire as well as the capability to radically change themselves. Without radical change lasting reconciliation doesn't stand a chance. Sadly, that doesn't seem to occur very often.

To date I only know of three successful reconiliations with female MLCers that have lasted longer than a year (mine lasted six months). Only one of the three would I label an unqualified success story (at least so far -- the other two may still improve as they are still functioning as married couples). The unqualified sucess was only married a couple of years prior to his wife's MLC.

I know of well over one hundred sitchs with female MLCers that didn't reconcile. I am not trying to discourage you, but to say that the odds suck is even an understatement...

If my H ever cried it was because he lost face..........his ego couldn't take it. It's not so much as guilt with some MLCer's as it is with the fact that they can't deal with not being Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful in the eyes of everyone else. And yes, there are those Mlcers who genuinely do feel guilt and remorse but are still unable to do the right thing because they are still in crisis mode...their crisis..not ours. Sometimes when we are hurting it's hard to remember that our spouses are going through a rough time too. We tend to see it as tho they are now "free" because they left the family and pressures behind and have hooked up with a new body. Each story has its own dynamics. But I also believe what FF does, What goes around, comes around!!! So, it's up to the LBS to do the right thing for his/her self and family and continue to grow and embrace change positively. Easier said than done....and to avoid any angst over what the MLCer is or isn't doing, feeling, or being. Hugs to you, Toni

You can experience guilt but then not allow that to become remorse. I experience guilt because my H, as does any human being, deserved honesty and truth and I know what I did was wrong on a number of levels, but remorse is something I'm trying to strengthen myself for I think. Remorse without forgiveness is a prison and nobody knows how they will react until they are there in the moment choosing. I feel remorse in my relationship with God very much because I want to regain His warmth and connection and be healed and start on the right road again to be of use to Him.

This is the only remorse which has any benefit to us....or others.....

Because we cannot forget, our relationships can never restore fully.....the best we can hope for in human relationships is a modified one.....however, we are made in God's image, but God is not made in our image....

God can do something we cannot...He can not only forgive, but He can forget.... because He can forget (and He has promised to do so), your relationship to Him can be just as if you never sinned.

You have not, of course, lost any of His warmth or connection, neither have you lost your usefulness or purpose. It is not even diminished...... Romans 11:29 (NIV) says "...for God's gifts and His call are irrevocable.....".

The wonderfulness of it is that through time, and your continued service, you will "feel" it again.....and it will be unchanged.....and you will experience His steadfastness and His absolute loyalty.

Allow me to invite you, today, to reverse your thinking..... instead of waiting to "feel" His connection, and to be healed, please...... just start..... pick up, and continue, today, the ministries He called you to....

I fully believe (and understand, from the words of our Lord Jesus Christ), and have experienced, that doing this will bring about the connection, warmth, and healing you desire.

Thanks for your reply, tf. I have been in a bit of a wait mode and there are things I should be doing and sorting. I know.