Hi All, had a weird couple of weeks. Brief summary of situ .I've been as no contact as possible with my MLC ex for nearly a year (a year since she told me about OM ,and moved out ). NC has worked pretty damn well for me to heal and I've been getting on with life, working, looking after my little boy, looking after me, paying the bills, doing loads of stuff with my boy, redecorating the house to make the space mine. So all good. There's been a whole lot of weird stuff from the ex, but I've been handling it ok. Until the last couple of weeks.

Last three times I've had contact with ex, her first thing she's asked is "How are you ? " Kept my detached head on, and responded I'm good and then she waffles on into her pity party ref having no money etc etc. Thing is, in all these months she has never once asked me how I am.

Last week she actually came into the house, sat looking straight into my eyes, asked me how I was, asked me how work was, asked me about my friends, asked me what I was doing on the day she has our son.

Now I know the score, it means nothing, keep detached, it means nothing, usual MLC waffle, it means nothing.

But. Its different. Its a change in temperature. My gut keeps niggling me, telling me this is a change.... whatever that is.

I have no idea what she is up to, if she is still with OM etc, I've never asked.

Any thoughts ? Or do I just need a slap to tell me not to step back into the roller coaster ? I've no intention of making any move towards her, but its a tad confusing and has thoughts I'd put away whirling around again.

Empty I think the time comes when things are going how they thought they would and start to understand that maybe, just maybe, it's not the LBS fault they're so unhappy. My ex, after about 2 years of basically no contact, recently found out I had surgery and emailed right away to make sure I was ok. Then sent follow-up emails asking me other questions. I believe life is not going well for him and he's realizing, albeit maybe small, that he made a mistake. I also believe that he's no longer with the OW and I think that has a lot to do with it. Maybe the OM is out of the picture and she's able to think a little more clearly.

Are you open to this happening or have you moved to far ahead?

She does seem to be operating with more clarity, even told my son to give me a hug the other week when he forgot as he was rushing out of the door to meet her. She also spoke of something from the past last week... in fact thinking about it there's been more contact than I thought.

I'm wary this is just her normalizing of course, seeking approval that I'm happy without her. Which I am, kind of

Would I want a new relationship with her, short answer is I'm open to that, I'll love her deeply until the day I die. But I'm very concerned about being hurt again and she would have to make a lot more positive movement towards me for me to open up again.

I would chalk up the change to Carol's thoughts, that reality is starting to set in, and things are not as good for her as she expected. Perhaps she is testing you to see if the door back to you might be open a crack, without her having to do much.

All you can do is keep watching, and be ever so cautious.

Winning

It seems to me that she is peeking....and she may continue to peek for quite awhile.
Keep doing what you are doing, she may be curious....but this does not mean she is ready for any kind of commitment.....

My H has been doing this for a year and a half now....and I just keep moving forward......
I'm nice, I'm cordial but I have all of the hope and expectations of what our relationship could be put away until H is more than ready to let me know.......

I still see him doing what he wants to do, but keeping me within arms reach...
That is not the kind of relationship I want from our marriage......

He has even asked if I am with someone and I have answered him honestly, no, I'm not.....
He proceeded to tell me neither was he????? I didn't ask...and I didn't let it affect my life...

I can't right now because he is still spinning in his MLC fog.....
Less than what he was, but still not done cooking yet.....

Would I want to date the man he is right now? No......not yet.....

Inde

Thanks Girls . It is what it is I guess. Its late in the UK time for bed. Have a great day one and all.

Seems your instincts are right girls, the grapevine says the OM dumped her.

This is where you get to see if she is going to do the hard work and grow into someone who you might want a new relationship with someday...........or if she has learnt nothing and is looking at you as her possible soft landing. Interesting times.

Yeah interesting times to say the least.

Hi, I know that you read my thread recently so you know where I am in all of this. Anyway, there's been no OP so I'm not sure if I'm where you are now or not. i.e. Am I post there being an OP or pre there being one. What I'm trying to say is that the OM is a side issue, except that he's gone so she needs to talk to someone. I think that I was actually becoming an OP but also still the LBS so her head was really all swirled up. She's scared to contact me now but she is asking son about me and it seems that youngest daughter has been feeding her information.
I had noticed something prior to the NC though, she was actually looking at the situation from my angle - how awful it must have been for me etc. Of course that all flew out of the window when we had the telephone "conversation".
There have been times when I felt as if she was going to come back and then it's folded again.
In your sitch, I wouldn't trust her at all, dumped so what would be best for her, she won't be thinking what's best for you. If she's still in the fog you'll get hurt. All you can do is get on with your life and be open to anything that comes along, including her if it happens.

Thanks Eddy, Yes I do read your thread. Its scary how similar but differnet all the journeys are.........

I know the MLC LBS drill thanks to all the kind people on this site, and yes she is VERY much still in MLC, this being "around" year three

I've got my popcorn out and will watch what she does from the sidelines.

Year three oh how depressing. Someone else, husband back after fours years. I'd be a pensioner by then!!! I've finally accepted that it could be years or never. Changes one's perspective once that's done.
It's alright knowing the drill and what's best to do, but some of the things they come out with, well it's easy to get thrown.

Thats why you don't spend that time waiting have a good weekend one and all

well on the surface was an interesting weekend.. though not sure how specific i can be on a open forum.

ex came to visit over the weekend to do something with our son. well she spent 5mins with son and then sat down with me for several hours. Kinda catch up chit chat.
I sat a listened whilst she talked. Lots about her and how life aint great for her and she needs this and that.
Lot of discussion about the poor relationship choices her friends are making.
And loads of questions about what i've been doing.
Didnt see any anger towards me.

I sat and listened. We laughed, we smiled. She followed me around when I did some house work etc. As she went to leave she gave me a massive hug.

So , Still MLC (the me me me me stuff) .Stamping down hard on ANY expectations I might have, as I'm fully aware of what those do :-)

So at the mo, seems communications may be a little easier. It is what it is.

You sound like you have a good handle on this Empty Inside! Reminiscent of OHAZ's ways of detaching with kindness.

If I was a smart woman, I would have invested in Orville Redinbacher a few years back. Seems it has sustainability; at least in our neck of the woods.....

Thanks Chilled. I really should change my login name to something more positive

I do think I've got a decent handle on this, but I still struggle at times with my emotions.

And yeah I've read everything OHAZ and Wekin and like everyone has written... in fact I think I've read every single post on here (apart from the private women's areas obviously, on divorce busters, on path partners and on midlife forum eve.

This about sums it up for her

You have more patience than I to listen for a few hours. I think I'd have found 'something to do' and 'had to go' after an hour.

Winning

I think so too...if its true

Been a bit more hovering over the last two weeks.

Early hours of this morning get a text, that simply says "I am sorry"

Few more texts pass back and fourth....

Brief chat this morning. Seems ex wants back in....

So looks like I'm back on the roller coaster.

Going to take this real slow... with my eyes open.

LOOKS like ex wants back in?

Please don't go anywhere NEAR the rollercoaster until you KNOW what she wants, your stomach JUST settled DOWN.

She broke this, only she can begin the repair job and it would be a really good idea if you asked to see HER version of the repair manual before agreeing to anything or for that matter hauling YOUR tools out!

Stay strong, don't get sucked into not knowing the difference between reality and what you CRAVE!

Thanks Phoenix. I guess its let see what she brings me time.

EXACTLY...that does not mean you make it IMPOSSIBLE for her to find an opening unless it is black and white but if you are anything like I was the thing I had to guard against was telling Newman how I "felt" about what he was saying.

What WE feel doesn't matter nor does it bring clarity to us...it is a given that we already understand. What is important is that we see the REALITY of what they actually think and feel...so no coaching, you aren't discussing the possibility of reconciliation with yourself. If at NO other time in your life this IS the time that you need to know what IS, not what you HOPE is.

Stay strong, this won't be easy but there is also no sense in running INTO the minefield either.

Its difficult not to allow hope to override the reality. Stay tough and keep watching. She needs to do the work.

GREAT advice Phoenix! Will take this on board myself