Things went downhill when my H of 20 yrs turned 50. Our oldest D went to college the same year and our S is in HS. There've been 3 times in the past year he's said his life isn't what he expected it to be, our kids are a disappointment, his life is a farce, etc and it's my fault and it was a mistake for us to marry. Then he's said he's leaving or wanted me to leave. I've said I'm not going anywhere and I hope you don't either, then I try to be normal & stay nice while he's "leaving" and cry in private for the week or so that he sleeps upstairs, won't make eye contact with me etc. Then he slowly comes out of it.

When he's in an episode he doesn't want anything to do with me, but when he's not he wants us to do everything together.

Our S has been diagnosed with anxiety and is on meds, and I've tried to talk to H about medication, herbal even, because he's had depressive symptoms and anxiety issues for as long as I can remember. He isn't interested. It's certainly worse with before though, and it sounds MLC but I'm not sure.

I don't see these episodes coming so a part of me is always on guard now, waiting... I understand detachment and see the value, but can't figure out how to do it without him feeling snubbed during the times he's ok. I don't care if he feels snubbed when he's in an episode but what do I do when he's ok?

1st - go to Newman's Blog, this show as the 1st article on page 2 for me:
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.p...p;showentry=120

This will help start you on "why". You know your H best and hopefully some of this can be imparted in a way that can be helpful - when he is on a clear track. A Dr. who will check his testosterone levels is a start. But take the time to read all of Newman's Blog that apply - the more education the better and he has links to Dr.s and other things that might help. He also lists many good Vitamins and supplements.

2nd know that allot of this is the physical changes your H is going through as he ages, the problem with us Men is we tend to deny it - until we are in a corner....................then allot of us try to run. Your H may be heading down the path towards a crisis, maybe just a transition - but both can be long and difficult for a spouse to deal with.

3rd - look at your H's eyes. When my W was in crisis - I could see it in her eyes and facial expressions, they were just not the same.

When your kids were 5 and throwing temper tantrums - once they stopped was everything ok 30 seconds later? Just because your H is refusing to admit to a problem that IS HIS - doesn't mean that you should just suffer through the bad and NEVER bring it up..........................because that essentially gives him permission to keep acting that way with NO consequences. He needs help yet refuses to get it - and you are ok with just suffering through this.....................for how long? Until it escalates how far?

Check this site out also:
http://www.isitlowt.com/

This is not just some thing that goes away after a couple of months - and the pain you will likely feel, will likely get worse over time. My W never moved out, never had an affair - but I NEVER want to go through this experience again.............................

First of all track the episodes on a calendar...and the intensity of them. And are they periods every day or during a week at a time or what? If it is a large chunk of time like a week or 10 days then plan ahead

Secondly when he wants nothing to do with you...say to yourself "I have the ENTIRE day to do whatever I want...no responsibilities at all...what EVER shall I do with this???"

Whatever it is, go do it...keep moving...whistle or HUM while you are doing it...always have a reason to be where he is NOT but smile BRILLIANTLY at him before you go off to do it.

If he asks why you are so busy...make light conversation and the minute his interest starts to wanes disappear...before he can turn those dead eyes on you...POUFF...you're GONE and the sounds of laundry are being heard.

When it is evident that he is back in his own skin relax for a bit

Whatever happens whether it is the middle of an occurrence, the MINUTE he starts telling you that any of this is your fault..."oops...is that the dryer I hear??? be right BACK"...but you aren't...find another task to do that will segue you into being somewhere else.

He WILL follow you and probably ask why you didn't return "oh sorry dear, what were you saying?"but his thread of thought will be disrupted and it will take a few minutes to get up another head of steam...do NOT look as if you are ready to listen to it...look somewhat bemused as if you JUST remembered something ELSE critical (like cleaning the deck with a toothbrush) and go do that...keep one step ahead of him.

You have GOT to make it as difficult as possible for him to have you sit long enough that he CAN criticize you when he is in these phases and be extremely careful when he is out of them for some time to think that you will never see another one. As for his being snubbed? Well my dear if he did this constantly to someone who DIDN'T love him...I don't think snubbed would be the WORD when he snapped out of it...HE would have to be the one to clean the mess up...you are giving him a HUGE amount of grace here...don't mix that up with his deserving it....because if he thinks HE deserves something IS going to be taken from YOU.

He is being a GRUMPY old man...and that is a HUGE step away from any of it being YOUR fault.

Well, in my opinion, the first time he said it, he should have found his clothes on the lawn, the locks changed, and all the money withdrawn from his bank accounts.... Wanna leave? There you are.... don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.....



Well, again, in my opinion, I wouldn't give a carpenter's damn whether he feels "snubbed" or not......

WHAT ABOUT YOU ????? HOW DO YOU FEEL ????

......when he says these cockamamie, head-up-his-ass things ???? .....

The point is this. He has made a VOW before God and before witnesses that says he will "...LOVE, HONOR, and CHERISH...." you....until death do you part..... How, in God's name, is what he's doing consistent with that vow? Or is he a liar whose word means nothing??

That would be my question to him..... is he, or is he not, a man of HONOR and a man OF HIS WORD ????

He needs to be told, straightly, and in no uncertain terms, that you WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS HORSESHIT. He needs to either get it together, or go get a lawyer, because you are not waiting around for his silly-ass nonsense to get over. It is time for him to put on his big-boy pants and shoulder his responsibilities LIKE A MAN.

That, by God, is what a MAN does....he lives up to his promises, and makes the necessary sacrifices to ensure the emotional and physical well-being of his wife and his family. FIRST. BEFORE HIMSELF. If that means he needs medical, psychiatric, counseling, help, he needs to GET IT. Tout de suite.....

If he is going to be an immature asshole, you don't want him for your husband. Not one more minute, nor one more hour. When he decides he is going to GROW UP, if you are still available, you will consider becoming his wife again. However, you are not going to guarantee that you won't find someone else who IS a man of his word and IS a sacrificial, loyal, giving man like YOU WANT and YOU DESERVE for your husband......

And, as far as his children being a "disappointment" ????? He should look in the mirror for the reason why.

A few things about detaching....

Most importantly detaching takes place inside YOU, so in reality your H won't even notice, let alone feel snubbed by it. Detaching is simply understanding that the behavior of your mate has nothing to do with you, therefore you can't change it, fix it, effect it, or alter it in any way. When you understand his behavior is separate from you, it's easier to keep yourself from being emotionally effected by it.

Sometimes people think detaching is shutting off your emotions, or ignoring your mate, or treating them differently, etc. In truth, while it IS a way to keep a handle on your emotions, it's by seeing the actions of your spouse for what they are and realizing that their behavior may elicit many feelings inside you, from frustration, to worry, to fear, to anger, but it's not BECAUSE of you that those behaviors exist in the first place. Their behaviors, their feelings, their actions are present because of whatever turmoil THEY are feeling inside themselves.

I understand what you're getting at about detachment when he's acting ok. You're feeling like the axe will fall at any moment and because it surprises you and catches you off guard you find yourself hurt by it all over again. Well...as I said above about what detachment means...if you understand that his behavior, though he may lay the fault at your feet at times, is NOT about you, but rather him, you will find over time you are less taken aback by his Mr. Hyde persona.

JJ., if your H is truly going through a type of mid life transition/crisis, then it's because of something inside HIM. IMO, based on the personality types of those we often see going through this (within 4060 anyway) it seems to me that these folks travel along in life using one template for their interaction with people and crisis. At some point, when many people would evolve (through life experience) many templates or ways of dealing with what life throws at you, these people, still using their one tried and true method find it no longer works. Mind you this is still my own theory...but when this happens they find themselves feeling cast adrift and unable to cope. They don't know how to fix how they feel and it's easier to determine it must be their life, their spouse, their children, their job, et. al. than it is to dig deeper and realize that happiness really IS found within each individual and NO ONE person, ONE job, or ONE thing can MAKE a person happy. It's up to each of us to bring ourselves joy, and if we're lucky we can ADD to the joy of those we love, but we can't provide it for someone else.

Hope this helps a bit...keep posting...

And while you are not worrying about what is not YOUR situation to repair...you get a LOT of laundry done!!!

Wow. What great responses! I feel blessed to have found this safe place to share.
I will have to learn more- and practice more - detachment, because I sorta kinda feel a teensy bit responsible down deep if I'm honest about it. He's been out of town this week so I haven't had the chance but I'm gearing up for it

You are so right about the eyes. In the rare occasion that I get eye contact while he's in crisis I see hate and anger and aggression in his eyes. It's not pretty.

On man... it's gonna likely get worse? Yuk. Although since it's happened a couple of times before I've stopped freaking out quite as much. Let him freak out it he wants to but I'd rather not join him, ya know? I feel a little more like ok here we go again... wonder how many days it will last this time and less like my world is falling apart each time.

JJ - cherchez la femme. It could be an EA at this stage, she could be at work, she could be where he plays. But there is a good chance she is there. Sorry.................

"shark eyes" - they just become black, dark, dead eyes.....................that's when it's time to do the laundry, walk the dog, use the powder room, wash a plate or two, call your Mother, visit one of the girls...............moving targets are much harder to hit.

Crisis' usually last 2 - 5 years (and very few at the short end)........................

If you haven't been to the blogs yet, now would be a good time to start reading - then maybe visit:
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?showtopic=7612
our lending library and request a book or two..........................

Knowledge will help you survive.

Hi JJ - having read your posts I just want to say that you have all my sympathy, what he's doing to you is crap. My exH did the same to me all through our brief marriage.
He seemed to go through depressive cycles when his life was going nowhere, we shouldn't have got married etc.......... I got to recognise the signs and learnt to step back, try to act normal, and let him get over it by himself. He buried his head in the sand, couldn't see the problem was with him and not his life or his marriage.
Eventually he would come out of it and things would be 'normal' for a while - but it was a constant emotional rollercoaster, treading on eggshells so as not to upset the crazy man!
All you can do is stay strong, look after yourself and keep posting here - the people on this forum gave me a huge amount of support and encouragement, they were my lifeline when things were really tough and they will do the same for you. Hang in there, you are most certainly not alone

WOW the eyes.I could always tell when my h was lieing before mlc hit.This is interesting in mar 08 we refinanced some of what he piised away and he came to the house last time I seen him and I stood in front of him and looked into his eyes and his eyes were straight ahead looking at me except he didn't see me it was like I was invisable,yes dark dead eyes not like the real onesIt was spooky.

DonkeyJr