What's going on in my sitch, The progression of H's MLC Options

[Simonsmom]

For those of you that need a refresher, my H of 12 years had to close his auto repair shop due to the economy (August '09). This seemed to throw him into MLC. At the same time, I found out he was having an EA with his secretary. One night he came home and told me he told EA that he was going NC with her to work on his marriage and the next night he was telling me he's done and moved out into his parents' camper. A few days later EA's friend called him to tell him EA was pursuing a guy she met on the Internet. This triggered H to call me and say he was going to start dating EA, but wasn't going to rush into anything. I said, "so should I start on some D paperwork then?" He said, "Well if that's what you think you want to do." I thought, 'duh'!!!!!! So I started drawing up paperwork. H even came over to help me go through a budget.

H ended up sleeping with EA a few days later and I do not know what the conversation was after that or what his demeanor was, but it caused EA/PA and him to decide he still had feelings for me and he was back asking to come home the next day. I asked if he had gotten physical with her and he said yes.

In hindsight, I think he realized making the EA a PA was a huge mistake. However MLC and depression was still there and he was/is blaming it on our marriage and our home. So after weeks of cycling back and forth from happy to miserable, he chose to grab some clothes and move to a "pay as you go" hotel room. He did this "under the radar" after I left for work one morning. By that afternoon he was already cycling and second guessing his decision to leave our home. He left on Oct. 1 and he's still gone today. However, he comes home on his days off and spends the night. Mostly in S9's bed.

Mind you, some of the things he was saying are reasons he should get out of the marriage and not work on it anymore is: we dress differently, we rushed into the marriage (we didn't), he has been miserable for 12 years, we don't have similar interests, etc.

This past Friday, he called and asked me if I wanted to do something that night. We went out for dinner and drinks. I was wondering why he did this. Still don't really know, but our wedding anniversary was yesterday, which also was our S9's birthday party. Not only did H come to the party, but he also came to a mass for my deceased mother in the a.m. At my son's party, he was like his old self -- joking with my family, etc. It was so weird. Even my sister noticed that he seemed to be his old self.

I don't get too physical with him. I find openings for an occasional hug or touch, but he cycles and I don't want to take the chance of upsetting him or driving him away. I do give him occasional greeting cards that "pump up his ego".

The other day I sat down and asked if I could talk to him. I gave him an update of where I am in this. I told him that I consider myself still married, I walk the walk, wear the ring, etc. Even though he is not wearing his ring and he has himself listed as "single" on his biker website, I told him I am honoring my vows. I told him I will continue to wait for him to come home to his family and the only deal breaker is if there is another woman again -- that I would be gone and there would be no turning back. I said if he doubted that he should think back to my first marriage. When my first H had another woman THREE WEEKS into the marriage I walked out and never looked back. I told H that I did it once I can do it again. (And unfortunately, if there is ever another woman that is what I intend to do - I WILL NOT TURN BACK.)

I think his EA/PA and him are pretty much done. They may email occasionally, but I can say for sure he does not call her on his cell or text her. That's not to say he's not using a different phone. But I feel like if there was something between them she would have a hard time understanding why he's spending the night in his marital residence. Or any other woman for that matter - I don't think they'd like him coming home on his days off. And she lives just as far from his "hotel room" as I do and it would not be convenient for her to be living there with him so I don't think that's an issue.

I also told H that S9 and I love him, but we are also continuing to live our lives -- that I can't put S9's childhood on hold and I can't put my life on hold. He said he appreciated me telling him where I stand.

Deep in my heart I do believe my husband loves me and that he wants to be with me. I think he is just so emotionally wrecked that he also needs his time alone. It seems that most of his anguish is in the failure he believes he is because of his shop's demise. Little does he know that S9 and I love him for who he is, just as he is -- not for what he does or accomplishes. Our love for him starts and ends just with the beating of his heart -- his mere existence. The rest is just his activities.

My hope is that some day H realizes that I stood by him even through betrayal, emotional abuse (whether intentional or not) and basic hell. And why? Because I love him. I believe in him and I'll never stop. Period.

Before I left for work this a.m. I went up to S9's bed and saw quite a sight. H, S9 and two great danes sleeping on a queen size bed. While I had spent the night alone in a king size bed. Go figure. Anyway, I kissed S9, dane1 and dane2 goodbye. Then I went around to H and put my hand on his chest. He opened his eyes and I thanked him for going to my mom's mass. I told him it meant a lot to me. He said, "you're welcome." Then I kissed him on the temple and left for work.

It's those little touches that may sting their "sunburn" and they won't admit it, but those kisses are like aloe vera on the heart.

[duffy]

It's those little touches that may sting their "sunburn" and they won't admit it, but those kisses are like aloe vera on the heart.

Are they really? Or are we aiding in the cake eating when we do that? I ask because I have do the same, and when he pulls away I wonder if he deserves even these little touches. I sometimes wonder if I do them more for myself than for him, because I have a need to love. But then I can kiss my dogs any time I need to love somebody. Sometimes I feel sorry for my H, and other times I kiss his head when he's been a total jerk to me. Sometimes I think it's just a great desire on my part to see the old H return and respond positively. Maybe in the end, if he comes out of it, he will remember and say thank you for continuing to love me. Maybe not.


Duffy

[Simonsmom]

Are they really? Or are we aiding in the cake eating when we do that? I ask because I have do the same, and when he pulls away I wonder if he deserves even these little touches. I sometimes wonder if I do them more for myself than for him, because I have a need to love. But then I can kiss my dogs any time I need to love somebody. Sometimes I feel sorry for my H, and other times I kiss his head when he's been a total jerk to me. Sometimes I think it's just a great desire on my part to see the old H return and respond positively. Maybe in the end, if he comes out of it, he will remember and say thank you for continuing to love me. Maybe not.


Duffy

Honey, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I could just as well punch my H in the forehead as I could give him affection because yes... it goes against the grain of what I think he deserves right now. It's hard for us as strong, confident and balanced women to understand the funk our men are in. We feel like we are at home taking care of the homestead and raising the kids while they are out there with their finger up their xxx feeling sorry for themselves.

But for me, he is cake eating only if he has another woman. I am going with what the Bible tells me....that adultery is a reason for me to call it quits. Other than that, it's selfless love...it's not about me right now. It's about him. Yes, I think I'd like to punch him sometimes, but I don't. And when it's all said and done I am going to look back and know that I am phenomenal, not by chance or by the luck of the draw....but by the way I carry myself and the way I behaved through this, the worst crisis of my life.

My mom (my eternal best friend) fought and beat "terminal" cancer when I was in high school, and then 20 years later had a funky type of dementia that nobody has a cure for, which transformed her into a tremoring vegetable and then killed her over the course of 8 years. Watching all of that happen was horrid, but for some reason not as bad as this has been on me. Both excruciatingly painful, yes, but this MLC thing about broke me. That is, until I figured out that it has nothing to do with me.

[Phoenix]

Are they really? Or are we aiding in the cake eating when we do that? I ask because I have do the same, and when he pulls away I wonder if he deserves even these little touches.

If there isn’t another woman then how does cake eating come into it?

That is where grace comes in, if you stop to think about it most of us do not get what we deserve in a negative sense; we get cut slack when we are in a bad mood and let our mouths run away with us, we can suffer depression and still hope that someone will still reach out to us.

No one warned us that this would be part of the “for better and for worse” but really, if they had, would we have listened? Because if we HAD been warned we would have assumed that if it ever happened that the euphoria of getting married would carry us to the ends of the earth and we probably would not have paid attention. We were getting what we needed and deserved and nothing seemed too dark to handle while in the throes of that love.

But it is what you do when no one is looking that tells of commitment and character.

I myself have racked up an AWFUL lot of points in heaven for all the times I WANTED to bury a pick axe in Newman’s head…but the ability to pull back had always been fractionally stronger than the urge to do so… at least so far.

And right now is all that counts.

[Simonsmom]

No one warned us that this would be part of the “for better and for worse” but really, if they had, would we have listened? Because if we HAD been warned we would have assumed that if it ever happened that the euphoria of getting married would carry us to the ends of the earth and we probably would not have paid attention. We were getting what we needed and deserved and nothing seemed too dark to handle while in the throes of that love.



Exactly. I can't tell you how many people have offered me their two cents -- telling me to 'get the "F" out of this marriage and away from his a$$.'
I wonder how they would feel if my husband was diagnosed with cancer and bedridden and I immediately divorced him because I could't handle the stress or commitment.

And I've laid down limits on my martyrdom. Enter another woman and there will be burn marks on the road to the courthouse.

[Phoenix]

And I've laid down limits on my martyrdom. Enter another woman and there will be burn marks on the road to the courthouse.

That's my GIRL!!!!

[duffy]

Honey, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I could just as well punch my H in the forehead as I could give him affection because yes... it goes against the grain of what I think he deserves right now. It's hard for us as strong, confident and balanced women to understand the funk our men are in. We feel like we are at home taking care of the homestead and raising the kids while they are out there with their finger up their xxx feeling sorry for themselves.

But for me, he is cake eating only if he has another woman. I am going with what the Bible tells me....that adultery is a reason for me to call it quits. Other than that, it's selfless love...it's not about me right now. It's about him. Yes, I think I'd like to punch him sometimes, but I don't. And when it's all said and done I am going to look back and know that I am phenomenal, not by chance or by the luck of the draw....but by the way I carry myself and the way I behaved through this, the worst crisis of my life.

My mom (my eternal best friend) fought and beat "terminal" cancer when I was in high school, and then 20 years later had a funky type of dementia that nobody has a cure for, which transformed her into a tremoring vegetable and then killed her over the course of 8 years. Watching all of that happen was horrid, but for some reason not as bad as this has been on me. Both excruciatingly painful, yes, but this MLC thing about broke me. That is, until I figured out that it has nothing to do with me.

Maybe I read the post wrong, but I thought she said he had an EA/PA.

Duffy

[Doe]

And I've laid down limits on my martyrdom. Enter another woman and there will be burn marks on the road to the courthouse.

You mean a second OW? There already is a first isn't there? You say "I think his EA/PA and him are pretty much done. They may email occasionally". If you are still going by what you think, then that sounds like he's not telling/told you it's over. So like Duffy, my understanding is that there is OW. He doesn't have cancer or a terminal illness, he has chosen to have an affair. Maybe pumping up his ego and kisses could be looked on as assisting his cake eating in this particular situation?

[earlydays]

You mean a second OW? There already is a first isn't there? You say "I think his EA/PA and him are pretty much done. They may email occasionally". If you are still going by what you think, then that sounds like he's not telling/told you it's over. So like Duffy, my understanding is that there is OW. He doesn't have cancer or a terminal illness, he has chosen to have an affair. Maybe pumping up his ego and kisses could be looked on as assisting his cake eating in this particular situation?

Er, excuse me I've got my hand up, I've got a question. I had all of this remember, no OP so ok to see her. I did what you are doing, for the same reasons, but the common concensus was for me to go NC. I resisted until I got accused of sexually abusing her and also realised that she was becoming comtemptuous of my altruism. So, Phoenix, why the turn around? Have I missed the point?

[Peaceful Warrior]

You mean a second OW? There already is a first isn't there? You say "I think his EA/PA and him are pretty much done. They may email occasionally". If you are still going by what you think, then that sounds like he's not telling/told you it's over. So like Duffy, my understanding is that there is OW. He doesn't have cancer or a terminal illness, he has chosen to have an affair. Maybe pumping up his ego and kisses could be looked on as assisting his cake eating in this particular situation?

I think the general consensus is that if there is ANY contact w/ OW, the EA/PA is not "done". I suppose if you are willing to endure the cake eating, it will continue indefinitely and, I'm with Doe on this one, your actions could be easily seen as supporting it. Think about training a dog, which behaviour are you reinforcing and which behaviour do you want to eliminate?

But then, if you KNOW that OW is gone, it is not cake eating.

Such a difficult line to walk, and I know because I walked it for 3 years.

PW

This post has been edited by Peaceful Warrior: Oct 27 2009, 11:44 AM

[earlydays]

I think the general consensus is that if there is ANY contact w/ OW, the EA/PA is not "done". I suppose if you are willing to endure the cake eating, it will continue indefinitely and, I'm with Doe on this one, your actions could be easily seen as supporting it. Think about training a dog, which behaviour are you reinforcing and which behaviour do you want to eliminate?

But then, if you KNOW that OW is gone, it is not cake eating.

Such a difficult line to walk, and I know because I walked it for 3 years.

PW

Even if the OP has gone, never had, it is still cake eating because they still want you but they are still not in love with you( so they say) So they have their "Freedom" and they have you too.

[ardy]

I agree that this is cake eating. Please do not assume that it is over ( I may have missed that part in your past posts if you mentioned that it is) until he tells you clear and straight that it is over...meaning they have no relationship and no contact or if they work together like in my husband's case , that they do not talk privately or discuss anything personal .
Your hopes may make you misinterpret his words and actions. I think you are helping him be too comfortable in this state and he might just like it this way . Its probably fine if as long as you are not getting tired of it. But I honestly believe that this set up might just prolong his fence sitting a little longer.

[unhappy1]

I agree that this is cake eating. Please do not assume that it is over ( I may have missed that part in your past posts if you mentioned that it is) until he tells you clear and straight that it is over...meaning they have no relationship and no contact or if they work together like in my husband's case , that they do not talk privately or discuss anything personal .
Your hopes may make you misinterpret his words and actions. I think you are helping him be too comfortable in this state and he might just like it this way . Its probably fine if as long as you are not getting tired of it. But I honestly believe that this set up might just prolong his fence sitting a little longer.

My H has been gone since July 05.....contact off and on whole time (not physical).....recently he was over and we were talking about holidays....he was going to buy a Christmas wreath for outside of trailer......I said I have one that is like new you can have....he was like a little kid at Christmas....sooo excited over a wreath.....like "REALLY"......YOU WOULD GIVE IT TO ME"? Same thing about a couple of pillows for bed.....now this man has a very good job...not like he couldn't afford these things......what is going on with him?

[OnHoldAZ]

Er, excuse me I've got my hand up, I've got a question. I had all of this remember, no OP so ok to see her. I did what you are doing, for the same reasons, but the common concensus was for me to go NC.

The NC is for you - until you can deal with contact - without contact having a negative effect on YOU. If contact throws you into a bit of a tizzy - you stop the contact.

ED - in your case I often wonder IF she had an idea/crush/fantasy - and it just didn't pan out. It is possible for the object of a person in crisis to not even know they were - take the crush of a high school girl on a married teacher.......................she may imagine and fantasize about how great their love is, can be - because he smiles at her when he hands her a paper.................it doesn't mean he is in love with her.

My W did not have an affair, but was going down the EA path when he pushed to meet up.......................she stopped the contact, for the most part (hint, hint, hint, SM) - contact continued but on a less personal note (most contact was about ball games, weather, job - not feelings or complaints about spouses). But I suspect part of the reason it took my W so long to get back into the marriage - is because she did not stop ALL contact.

SM - don't stake too much hope on this UNTIL he stops ALL contact and becomes transparent - from his point of view, he may have both of you eating out of different hands and stroking his ego. As far as OW's not wanting to have their crush go to the W - don't kid yourself, she doesn't have to deal with snoring, scratching various body parts, dirty cloths, farting under the covers.........................she just takes what she wants and avoids the rest. Always be cautious until his actions are 100% transparent and open (believe none of what you hear and only 1/2 of what you see).

Also - the holidays are approaching, people prefer what is familiar - even if they think it's not what they want.