Is This Mlc? Options

[sad&confused]

Phoenix... I just want to get there. I don't want to wait for my heart to be ready.

I see your point. I am kidding myself.

[Phoenix]

Phoenix... I just want to get there. I don't want to wait for my heart to be ready.

I see your point. I am kidding myself.

No my dear, I did not mean that you were kidding yourself but you evidently are not ready for a divorce, in fact if I were a betting person I would say you took your wedding rings OFF, to make a point and get a reaction from him...the silver bullet as it were..."he will SEE that I am not wearing them and he will come to his senses and SEE that he is about to lose me"... am I correct?

And it didn't work....and you felt frustrated and then asked us why HE is acting the way he is…

The answer TO that is because YOU are allowing him to and while you may not be ready for divorce you certainly should be fed up with being treated this way and yet you are not…you set your boundaries and he is still there and still expecting that you will let him use the “guest” bedroom.

He will ACT this way until repercussions FOR acting this way are all his…because he can and he CAN because you are willing to let him. And as long as you are willing there is no reason for him to change anything.

You DON'T need to file for divorce but you DO need to get his cheating butt OUT of there and protect yourself and your children from him.

[sad&confused]

I know I sound like a broken record...

I wanted H to see that I"m not wearing the rings..but I knew that wasn't a silver bullet. Just wanted hin to see it. I don't even know if he noticed it or not.

He left a little while ago to spend the night.....somewhere else, because as far as he is concerned he is out of the house since the weekend.
I don't know ...sleeping away from home is not a legal separation..sounds like a nice sweet little deal to me. I'm giving it a couple of more days to see where all of this goes.

He is acting like a victim. He comes after work to help out with the kids (which I need so I can go to my dance class and therapy and run errands, because I don't have family close by for babysitting) .

Acts pretty depressed...what's the deal?? I ignore him most of the time, or try to stay away from his way. I do not talk to him unless it's something about the kids or work, or that needs addressing.

I have to go on a business workshop for 3 days starting Wednesday very, very early. He will have to stay at the house and watch the kids..

[Curtains]

I think you sound as though you are doing really, really, well.

Just remember to be kind to him. These men are not happy.

Just, you know, common kindness? Like you would to a stranger. Nothing more, nothing less.

[sybill777]

I think you sound as though you are doing really, really, well.

Just remember to be kind to him. These men are not happy.

Just, you know, common kindness? Like you would to a stranger. Nothing more, nothing less.

Yes, I agree with those statements. You ARE getting through this, day by day, S&C.

And yes, Curtains, you are so right about the kindness factor. It took me many months of being behind a wall of pain of my own to realize that the absolute ONLY thing that got through to h was to treat him with (detached) courtesy. In the first months of desperation I made all the common errors: pleading, crying, coldness, anger. None of this accomplished anything positive, other than to let me vent occasionally. THIS is a much better place to do that.

Since I finally deduced that he's basically operating as if he were living in a fume cloud of confusion and pain of his own, I have been able to back-off, find whatever bit of tenderness remained that he hadn't stomped to death in my heart, and let that be my touch point for communicating with him. Yes, communications are basically business at this point, and email is my preferred medium with him, as his manipulations don't translate through that well. Still, I always begin with a greeting and a end with a wish for his well-being.

It's like the Buddhist practice of wishing for the cessation of pain and it's replacement with peace for each person, from all the persons in one's closest circle to one's worst enemy: if there is peace and the cessation of pain for each troubled spirit, there is a greater opportunity for peace for all of us.

[Tacoma]

Yes, I agree with those statements. You ARE getting through this, day by day, S&C.

And yes, Curtains, you are so right about the kindness factor. It took me many months of being behind a wall of pain of my own to realize that the absolute ONLY thing that got through to h was to treat him with (detached) courtesy. In the first months of desperation I made all the common errors: pleading, crying, coldness, anger. None of this accomplished anything positive, other than to let me vent occasionally. THIS is a much better place to do that.

Since I finally deduced that he's basically operating as if he were living in a fume cloud of confusion and pain of his own, I have been able to back-off, find whatever bit of tenderness remained that he hadn't stomped to death in my heart, and let that be my touch point for communicating with him. Yes, communications are basically business at this point, and email is my preferred medium with him, as his manipulations don't translate through that well. Still, I always begin with a greeting and a end with a wish for his well-being.

It's like the Buddhist practice of wishing for the cessation of pain and it's replacement with peace for each person, from all the persons in one's closest circle to one's worst enemy: if there is peace and the cessation of pain for each troubled spirit, there is a greater opportunity for peace for all of us.

My W definitely practiced common kindness and was walking on egg shells for a long time, nearly a year. When I left the OW (W doent know about A) and started coming out of the fog (maybe 60% out now) of the A, I saw what my IC said was true: that my W was a friend and looknig out for herself and her children, but not pressuring me to change. She was taking care of herself and though our limbo M was the main reason that pushed her to move out starting in Jan...what was once mor elikely of becoming a legal separation and then a divorce is now more likely a temporary blip and we will all be together by March 1. I already told my bosses here that I was leaving my post by that day, with or without another job. Things change. you cant always forecast the future, but if youknow what youre dealing with -- especially wehn an OW is involved -- you can pretty much figure out what direction your M and the future of your family are heading in.

This post has been edited by Tacoma: Oct 13 2009, 08:59 AM

[Frustratedfortie...]

I know I sound like a broken record... We all sounded that way when we got here. Takes a long time to work our way through this.

I wanted H to see that I"m not wearing the rings..but I knew that wasn't a silver bullet. Just wanted hin to see it. I don't even know if he noticed it or not. So how did that work for ya? I would venture to say he did not even notice and pigs will fly if he DID notice and decides to share that tidbit with you. We want to know they hurt like we hurt, we want them to understand the depth of our pain, and yet they just are not capable. I don't know that my X will ever truly understand the depth of the pain and heartache he caused myself and the kids...but honestly? What would it change? Even if he KNEW how much he hurt us, WHAT DOES IT CHANGE? He is still doing what he is doing. The MLC'ers continue to do what they do....because the path of least resistance is easiest....and far easier to run away from the pain filled eyes then to stand and stare it down and DO something about it. Our job is to see the path they have chosen, and try to find a path that is now right for us. Our job is to learn and to grow. Our job is to make a way when there seems to be no way because we have little people coming up behind us, and they are looking to us to help them learn how to cope and overcome the challenges that will come their way in life. We are the light on the path that guide's their way......We cannot change what the runaway parents decide to do...all we can change is ourselves.

He left a little while ago to spend the night.....somewhere else, because as far as he is concerned he is out of the house since the weekend.
I don't know ...sleeping away from home is not a legal separation..sounds like a nice sweet little deal to me. I'm giving it a couple of more days to see where all of this goes. See this is the stuff that kinda messes us up. Your sitting on the gate of the fence and you are expecting him to help swing that gate one way or the other. You do not want to have to make that decision. But really? You could become very empowered by grabbin hold of those boot straps and getting on with your life. The life you have been handed since HE has decided to sleep where ever he sleeps, play house whenever he feels he wants to play house. You don't have to be mean. You don't have to slam any doors shut, but you do need to stand on your own two feet and take hold of YOUR life. Who are you aside from being a mom, daughter, sister, wife, etc? Who the heck are you? And what do you like, what do you want? What have you put off doing for forever because there has just never been any time? This crap starts about them, but if done correctly it ends about YOU. Empower yourself. Make some choices and some decisions for YOU, for your children......you either get to watch life pass you by, or you get in there and HAVE and GET a LIFE.

He is acting like a victim. He comes after work to help out with the kids (which I need so I can go to my dance class and therapy and run errands, because I don't have family close by for babysitting) . And he will continue to do so as long as you pay any mind to it. Do not allow this kind of crap to get to you. You did not ask for this. He has made the choices. You are where you are because of choices HE has made. He doesn't get to have it both ways.

Acts pretty depressed...what's the deal?? I ignore him most of the time, or try to stay away from his way. I do not talk to him unless it's something about the kids or work, or that needs addressing.

I have to go on a business workshop for 3 days starting Wednesday very, very early. He will have to stay at the house and watch the kids..

Honestly I am glad to see you getting out of the house. In your spare time I would consider doing some reading. Sarah Ban Breathnach, Sark, Mya Angelou....these can all be uplifting, inspirational and empowering. I know you are new to all of this, and I know you have a full plate. But the longer you allow yourself to sit in indecision the harder and deeper you will fall.

Take nothing for granted and right now, all you have is you to rely on. He is not in the right mind to know his ass from a hole in the ground........your going to have to take the reigns and do what is best for you and those kids.

Slurpins and Hope,

FF

[sad&confused]

I know now for a fact that H has been sleeping in his Truck. Like I said before sleeping away from home is not really accomplishing anything until he moves everything out completely.

So he is doing this..so not to spend money on a room or a Hotel or an apt and impact finances.

Should I care? I mean ... I do care ( even after all the hurt he's caused me.. I care sigh).

I need some advice. I want to stand my ground..and I won't tolerate any more disrespect.

After all he's done why should I even give a damm?

[71potc]

I know now for a fact that H has been sleeping in his Truck. Like I said before sleeping away from home is not really accomplishing anything until he moves everything out completely.

So he is doing this..so not to spend money on a room or a Hotel or an apt and impact finances.

Should I care? I mean ... I do care ( even after all the hurt he's caused me.. I care sigh).

I need some advice. I want to stand my ground..and I won't tolerate any more disrespect.

After all he's done why should I even give a damm?

Work on the emotional detachment tool that I created: http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.p...st&p=152663

This will help remove some of the pain when you put the context of your relationship into view. You'll always care, but you need to stand your ground and keep yourself together.

I was surprised how the tool helped me to see my current relationship in a very different light. It provided a more balanced view of what I was rationalizing in my mind, and what the more balanced view can be. This removes the pain.

[sad&confused]

Hi Everyone, I hope you are all doing great.

I haven't posted in a while. I was away at a workshop last week (business) for 3 days. H watched the kids.
I had horrible thoughts while staying away at the hotel room for 3 days. I couldn't keep H and OW pictures of them in the hotel room out of my head..aaargh....I can only hope it gets better with time.

Today H watched the kids while I went to my counseling appt. She says I'm doing much better..and seem to have less grief. I guess I am getting stronger...and beginning to picture a happy life without this man next to my side. She suggested some divorce mediation offices.

I have the brochure and list of information that has to get readyl..so we can move forward. He seemed to be surprised... OH well...whatever.. if he is not going to move on this...I will.


Good night everyone. Thanks for helping me get stronger. It hurts a little less everyday that goes by.

[sad&confused]

Hi Everyone,

I'm still here. Things are moving very slowly. No separation papers from H, no additional talk..nothing.
Was let go of my job last week, but I'm ok. Actually it is probably fro the best. I need a change, this way I don't have to see OW and him at work.

I'm still bitter about this whole thing... but I find it getting better with time. I find myself laughing with my kids and at other things. I still go to therapy once a week.

I'll post a little longer next time, but I just wanted to check in with everyone. !!

Take care everyone.

[Frustratedfortie...]

Hi Everyone,

I'm still here. Things are moving very slowly. No separation papers from H, no additional talk..nothing.
Was let go of my job last week, but I'm ok. Actually it is probably fro the best. I need a change, this way I don't have to see OW and him at work.

I'm still bitter about this whole thing... but I find it getting better with time. I find myself laughing with my kids and at other things. I still go to therapy once a week.

I'll post a little longer next time, but I just wanted to check in with everyone. !!

Take care everyone.

Things at times seem to move slowly, and sometimes that is okay. Gives you time to swallow it a bit slower and respond vs. react.

Just keep focusing on what is best for you and the kids....one day at a time....

Slurpins and Hope,

FF

[sad&confused]

I hope everyone had a great weekend.
I'm officially back to being employed. I'm happy that it didn't take that long... I'll be working for a financial firm and make more money..yay! one less thing to worry about.

As far as the marriage/relationship situation.. things are still moving slow. I'm trying to do things so I can move on with my life, by H seems to be stuck. Still not papers..no apartment.. I went out with a couple of friends last week, and he sent me text messages saying I was sleeping with a married man. He called my friends on their phone to try to find out who would answer the numbers.


WTF?? why on earth would this be this first assumption? I ignored the text message on Monday night and spoke to him on Tuesday night. We got into a huge fight... I told him that I would defend myself as long as he would keep insulting me. He said " it's your body.. you can do whatever you want with it, with all these guys"...
So now it's not just a married man, but apparantly I'm sleeping around with multiple guys?????

sigh..

anyway,.. I'm not going to let this stop me from continuing my plan. I find it that I'm detaching from him, until he pulled this stunt On Monday night and Tuesday.
I'm going to continue to move on.. I can do this. I'm in a good place right now.. and I will not go back to hitting rock bottom where I was a couple of months ago.

[Phoenix]

I hope everyone had a great weekend.
I'm officially back to being employed. I'm happy that it didn't take that long... I'll be working for a financial firm and make more money..yay! one less thing to worry about.

As far as the marriage/relationship situation.. things are still moving slow. I'm trying to do things so I can move on with my life, by H seems to be stuck. Still not papers..no apartment.. I went out with a couple of friends last week, and he sent me text messages saying I was sleeping with a married man. He called my friends on their phone to try to find out who would answer the numbers.


WTF?? why on earth would this be this first assumption? I ignored the text message on Monday night and spoke to him on Tuesday night. We got into a huge fight... I told him that I would defend myself as long as he would keep insulting me. He said " it's your body.. you can do whatever you want with it, with all these guys"...
So now it's not just a married man, but apparantly I'm sleeping around with multiple guys?????

sigh..

anyway,.. I'm not going to let this stop me from continuing my plan. I find it that I'm detaching from him, until he pulled this stunt On Monday night and Tuesday.
I'm going to continue to move on.. I can do this. I'm in a good place right now.. and I will not go back to hitting rock bottom where I was a couple of months ago.

It could have been the color of your hair and it could have been that you walked in and turned left instead of right when you got through the door way. This is HIS fantasy, remember???

A word of advice…if he starts up like this again on ANY subject imagine that he is a three year old with crappy diapers in a sandbox you are walking past, a three year old that you don’t KNOW personally, yelling at you as if you are HIS mother and you should be changing his diaper.

Then act accordingly….

I bet anything that if it was a three year old you would laugh and move on....

[tfkeel]

Guilt produces paranoia, when we understand our own vulnerability to the same pain we inflict on others.
Making accusations, even false ones we don't really believe, helps to calm the fear.

Since your H is now in a frame of "all about me"..... it's just another self-medication, which won't, ultimately, work.

[Doe]

Guilt produces paranoia, when we understand our own vulnerability to the same pain we inflict on others.
Making accusations, even false ones we don't really believe, helps to calm the fear.

Since your H is now in a frame of "all about me"..... it's just another self-medication, which won't, ultimately, work.

I believe TF is spot on about this. I had H literally gibbering with rage a few times while he ranted and baselessly accused me of doing exactly what I didn't then know HE was doing.

[sybill777]

Guilt produces paranoia, when we understand our own vulnerability to the same pain we inflict on others.
Making accusations, even false ones we don't really believe, helps to calm the fear.

Since your H is now in a frame of "all about me"..... it's just another self-medication, which won't, ultimately, work.

That is such an insight; thank you for putting it in words.
Explains a lot.

[winning]

he sent me text messages saying I was sleeping with a married man. He called my friends on their phone to try to find out who would answer the numbers.

I've learned a lot about projection in the last few years. I now have NC with my XH, but before he left, he accused my male friends who served on a nonprofit board with me as my 'boyfriends'. These were upstanding men in the community, and there had never been a hint on anything inappropriate. His comments were projections of his own thoughts about his potential relationships with women, and also jealousy towards these men who had a lot more going for them than he did.

Your H is in a confused and foggy place. For my H, it got to the place that he could not make one single comment that was appropriate or reasonable to me. His need to frame me in the image he needed me to be was overpowering. He had made the decision to leave a good M, a good W and a good family. The only way a person can do that is if they repaint everything a different way.

Keep working toward NC. The sooner the distance between you grows to be as big as the ocean, the better. It would be a good thing to be able to keep a reasonable relationship, but there is no way this can be possible when there are constant accusations and lies coming at you.

Stay focused on getting through.

Winning

[sad&confused]

Thanks everyone.

I have made up my mind.. I will not go back to rock bottom. I continue to move forward with my life, and not stopping.
He is been hanging around the house a lot. Calls me to tell me where he is, or if he is going to be late...

In any case.. I keep thinking back to " crawl through broken glass" if he really wanted to do anything about what he has done. He hasn't shown that.. so I will not get pulled back into any mind games.

I try to ignore comments, grumpyness,as much as possible. Stay out of his way. I will think of the 3 year old..next time he pulls this.

Life is starting to look good on my own without him. I will make it.

Will be changing my screen name soon. I'm still sad sometimes.. but I'm not confused anymore.



HAve a great night ALL

[SteppingUp]

Life is starting to look good on my own without him. I will make it.

Will be changing my screen name soon. I'm still sad sometimes.. but I'm not confused anymore.



HAve a great night ALL

You rock, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!